eavesdropping on my bones
or the weight of midnight bread
evesdropping on my bones when have you last felt held in a way that felt right to you? that right amount of pressure around your flesh and bones it might take your breath away but until then it's just what you need and reading this you are thinking of a human hold, are you not? two arms wrapped around you like the branches of an old growth oak what if i pour my weight further, let it get sticky and thick, heavy flow over my own borders; too heavy for human arms eine fest Bergkette legt sich um meine Brust ein eiskalter Strom fließt um meine Knöchel der warme Sandstrand umschließt meine Fingerknöchel und entzieht ihnen jegliches Gewicht. my bones feel brittle, even though i know they're not (yet) they talk to me though, sending jolts of lightnings through my inner magma Emahoy Tsegué-Maryam Guèbrou is playing from my speakers her music a river my waters a dance i started reacting to the weather like a forecast and it's not just me, i know me is plural but with every shift i receive a knock on my door two rapid fire buzzings like the delivery guy who rang at 10pm tonight, exhausted after 300 packages in a day so now, my tea kettle feels heavier to lift then ever. as if my bones called to my muscles: let it be, you don't need to be strong. and still, nothing is breaking (yet). nous avons les os durs dans la famille. me disait ma mère des os qui touchent la terre, des os qui n'ont pas peur d'avoir peur. maybe i need to switch my POV: what if we understood carrying something or someone equally as a way of being carried? putting our weight in letting our weight go (caring while being cared for, we talked about this one) can i hold something or someone and pour my weight into it/them at the same time? like, i am squeezing this pencil, but what if it's squeezing me back? let what surrounds you feel your weight and let them deal with it.* for knowing each others weight is like loving each other better. i trust you sky to hold me, the clouds are forming like a trampoline. and i'll bounce right back. what's holding your weight?
*Renee Sills / Embodied Astrology talks about this in the month ahead horoscopes from taurus season, adressing the cancerians.
May 11th (this is not a diary entry, don’t worry)
it’s late in the European timeline when i send this, but i have to stay up cause i pushed a fermented dough into the oven that would go bad otherwise and i’ll wait now until past midnight for it to be ready.
right before doing that i was writing with my friend Mahmoud, whose family is stuck in an ongoing nightmare in Gaza. we talk about it nearly daily. he does not have the words anymore to describe what happens and i fail for words of reassurance cause there are none. there is a weight to these conversations that is changing me and changing the way i wanna listen. we have an ongoing fundraiser for him.
earlier this evening i was practicing The Hologram, the peer to peer care protocol that you have read about in the puddle before, where one person gets to be the expert of their own experience while three others get to be very curious and learn a lot from asking questions, it’s a dance of trust and an exploration of receiving and giving care in a new shape. and there’s something about weight here that also got me, thinking of the poem i wanted to share with the full moon in scorpio (won’t go into the power weight of that one). the gift of holding a person’s weight, not literally, but the weight of the care they might ask for and the weight of the care they might receive.
and that brings me to that failed mountain painting i drew while being sick the last days, longing myself for feeling the weight of my changing bodily experience being held. a new friend had shared at the end of another Hologram session how all she wanted is being held by mountains, how they make her feel small in the best way (“maybe like being held in a shibari rope” someone else replied) cause nature is bigger and wiser then us. and i’m glad that the mountain turned out like the wisest hairy monster with different ice cream layers (thanks to those who saw what it actually is), cause monsters and mountains have much to tell us.
So now is May 12th, the full moon is done and we felt it and i will finally press send. I usually dont want to add lenghty pieces to the poetry composting, but i wonder how this question around weight resonates with others. during the last long meeting of the day, with a bunch of people that i deeply love i connected the weight we carry and let go of with the falling masks i was writing about a month ago or so. letting my weight go has to do with vulnerability and messiness and forgiveness (for eventual(possible/for sure failures): dropping weight and masks into the ground, full disclosure for the desire to change the scales.
if you have questions or answers on what is holding your weight at the moment or how you let it go, this is an open invitation ~~~
with weighted care and 500gr of bread love